I know more Spanish than I thought.

Isn't life just amazing?! Every.single.day is a gift to be treasured. Here's the thing...
When you receive a gift (and I'm talking a real doozy of a present), do you just toss the thing aside with a shrug, wrinkle it up, step on it, use it as a drink coaster, forget about it? No way! You take care of that gift, you use it well, you appreciate it. Right?
Right?
Basically, I've kind of been stepping on my daily prize. I wake up and I pray and thank my Father for the breath he put in my lungs this morning, and then I kind of forget that gratitude that filled me to bursting upon opening my eyes. I forget that my day is still a gift 2, 6, 10 hours in- not just the moment I become conscious of it. But really, it is! It's still a present right now, even as I write this, over 12 hours later. Isn't that crazy?!
The plan, I suppose, is to start showing my gratitude. When your great aunt Millie buys you a sweater, and she sees you wearing it, how excited is she?! Beyond just saying thank you, maybe sending a note, she knows you appreciate that gift for what it is, not just to be polite. You are not just telling her how you feel, you're showing her! And we all love to see that joy in another person.
So why wouldn't we show the same appreciation for the bright new day that's being handed to us so selflessly??? Are we waking up thinking about how we can make today great, or are we hitting the snooze button and grumbling unintelligibly until we must get up? (Don't you worry-- I'm definitely in the latter group. \:)
And now here I am, writing about it. Listening to Pandora (Grace Kelly radio. Do it-- you won't regret it!) and feeling halfway motivated. Why not make the best of every day?? I can do it, and so can you, and even if you have to get up at 5 AM it will be okay! Because your day is a gift, made special for you, wrapped up and polished until you open it when you open your eyes.
And honestly, everybody loves presents. (:

Signs?

Before I get right down to things- I find it very likely that I will be posting more on my other blog than this in days to come. Do not take that to mean I will be neglecting you! You can find my other blog here, but I do intend to still ravish you with whatever attention I can spare. After all, I love you dearly.. And this blog receives much more attention than my other. (Also- I seem to be incapable of correctly spelling "receiving" the first time. I before e, except after c...)
Today, something wonderful happened.. I had decided to attend an institute class with Dave. I walk into the room, and who is the teacher but Brother Paul Staples, my high school seminary president! I took that to be a sign and promptly signed up for the class. I stayed after and we talked for a good twenty minutes, catching up on things left behind. Talk about a blast from the past! Staples was a huge inspiration to me in my teens, and I am thrilled to be learning from him again. It was meant to be.
There have been a lot of signs lately. Some have been small, others- like the appearance of Brother Staples- have been enormous. I take that to mean I'm finally going the right way. It feels so good to be finding myself.
Life is so, so good. It does not do to dwell on thoughts of despair or misery when every day so far we've woken up to this beautiful world. Life is the greatest gift.. And I'm so happy about it. I love unwrapping this present every morning. I'm waking up earlier and earlier, making better and better decisions. Things are going right, and I feel good!

got soul?

The Screwtape Letters

I'm reading The Screwtape Letters, as my it says right next to my picture(unless you're reading this a long time from now.) Either way, I find it almost ironic.
Right now I am in the process of finding God. For those of you who have not read this book, it's letters from one devil to another, outlining ways to trap his "patient." I find it so interesting to be creating my own salvation whilst reading about the destruction of another's. Many of the ideas of the devil(not Devil) to beat down his patient are things I myself may be struggling with right now. It's quite the fresh perspective, and something to make you think..
As I type, am I frustrating a devil to distraction? Is a soul receiving a serious reprimanding for my successes, because they are his failures? Something to think about, to be sure.
What do you think? Is there suffering, even of a devil, because I am so elated? I encourage you to send me your thoughts- and also to read this book! Lewis is a master creator, thought-provoking and clear. If nothing else, I am enjoying the story. (:

I am SO SORRY!!

My computer has been down, as well as my internet. Both are quite obviously back up now, and I have so much to say! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time right now. But rest assured, I will be back. Back to tell you all the wonderful, crazy things that have been going on lately. Stay tuned!!

got soul?

Makeup Lockup

Makeup Lockup

Makeup Throwout

This is my makeup. I put it in the box, locked it, and taped a note over the front. I don't need this- and neither do you. You are beautiful all on your own. You don't need powders, creams, and brushes to turn heads. I allowed myself mascara and eyeliner for special occasions, but every other single "makeup" item I have is either in the trash, or in this box. And I'm keeping it out, so I can see it every day, and remember why it's there. We don't need makeup. I am more than the prettiest face I can muster. I have thoughts, ideas, hopes, fears- and I don't need to be pretty for any of that. I'm not here to impress you with my perfectly tinted cheekbones, I'd rather catch you with my smile. I don't greet you with my delightfully colored eyelids, I want to captivate you with my eyes. I don't need the perfect tan when I've got a hearty laugh on my side. Do my insights matter when you're busy checking my eyeliner for flaws? Are my teeth white enough for your liking, my tan lines subtle enough that you won't notice? Well, I'm sick of caring. Who I am can't shine through layers of foundation, bronzer, coverup, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blush, lipgloss... All anyone should need is the chapstick in their pocket and the love in their hearts.

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." -Kahlil Gibran

What I need from you, my friends, is support and love. I can be very self conscious without makeup, and I don't expect this will be easy. I could use all the love I can get.
Xoxo!!

The Itch...

Well, I've got it again. The itch. And boy, is it ITCHY!!!
The itch to change.. Things are all the same again. But this craving is for a different kind of change.. I don't feel the urge to move my room around, to cut or dye my hair, to get a new car(though if you're offering, of course I won't decline). This isn't the itch to get a new look, go on a quick shopping spree, take a walk someplace new. I want change. I want to move to another country, build an orphanage for the homeless, go backpack through Europe, take a wild, crazy risk. I want to quit my job and go search for my soul on the beaches in Thailand, the mountains in New Zealand, the streets of Paris, the museums of Rome. I want to look for myself somewhere so far from home that it's almost silly.
I want to jump in my car, put in a mix of good old fashioned rock and good new indie, and drive. And drive. And drive. I want to end up somewhere I never expected, learn things I could not have fathomed, do things I would have never believed. I want to explore, to meet people, to feel. I want to hear a strangers story, maybe tell them mine. I want to learn, to teach, to grow.
This is a monumental itch, one that is entirely new to me. My soul is in here somewhere, and it is begging for me to scratch.

Ps..

He's mine.
Yep, that's all I have to say.
I finally have him, and I'm happier than I could have ever believed.
Love you all dearly. (:

Because I CAN.

I am going to CRY and SCREAM and SHOUT and YELL and HATE EVERYTHING. Why? Because I CAN.

I am going to LOVE and HOPE and DANCE and SING and LAUGH and LOVE EVERYTHING. Why? Because, damn it, I CAN.

I can do whatever the hell I want, be whoever I damn well please, act however I want- and I mean it!

I don't have to follow your rules, I don't have to walk your path, I don't have to like your face- even if I probably will. I don't have to be miserable because it's "in." I don't have to be uncomfortable because it's "hip." I don't have to be like you because it's "cool." I love me, he loves me, they love me for who I am. You don't have to, but you'd better be ready to accept it, because I deserve it. I deserve to be who I am, to be who I want to be, and lucky for the world, I know it. I can feel it, and I can see it, and I can do it!!

I'm gonna make mistakes, laugh until I cry, cry until I laugh, feel good, feel bad, do it wrong, do it right.

I'm gonna live my own life.

And I'll become someone amazing for it.

I'm dating a 27 year old. I'm not Mormon, though most of the people I'm around regularly are. I listen to weird music, have a weird style, and get weird ideas. I don't like being just another face, like everyone else, following the crowd. I want to be the chick that everyone looks at and thinks, "What the hell is she doing?" I dance in the aisles at the grocery store, throw my head back and laugh in the rain, run around in my bare feet. I love girly dresses. I also love getting so ridiculously dirty that it takes ages to clean it up. I love constant change. I crave the new. I drink in experience and wonder and the chaos that is life.

I'm gonna keep doing ALL of this- and hopefully even more. I hope you're ready, because it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

For you

This post is for you. Yes, you. My beloved audience, loving follower, first time reader.
This post is for you. Beautiful soul, vibrant creature, beating heart.
This post is for you. Drying tears, empty shell, lost purpose.
This post is for you.

You are beautiful. You are amazing, wonderful, delightful. You are a fantastic wreck. A steamroller of emotions, an ocean of tears, a terrified being. You are doing your best to make your way in this crazy world of ours. You scream, you cry, you laugh. You make mistakes, and you make wonders. You are a creator, a dreamer, a marvel. You feel alone sometimes. You often wonder if you can make it through the day. You shy away from the amazing potential that you have. You are frightened, nervous, uncertain. You feel as though you are stuck, as though you cannot be more than you are.

I am here to tell you.. You can. You can be anything and everything you can dream. I can see your potential, your beauty, even if you can't. I love you, and care for you, even when you don't. I believe in you. I know that you will do amazing, astounding, awesome things in your life. Whether you realize it or not, you are divine. Your heart is a thing to be envied. You are filled with love, hope, and passion. Every day is a gift for you to treasure, and to make of it what you will. And when you realize just how powerful you really are, that you are in control of who you can be, that you hold the key to your happiness.. All I can say is, I will rejoice that day. My faith in your strength is only paralleled by your capacity for greatness. Look within; you will find that greatness in yourself. I can help to show you the way, but the ultimate journey is yours. Please, for your sake, take that step.

Remember that I love you always. When you feel alone in the world, I am here for you. I will do everything in my power to make sure you know just how special you are. And I don't want you to ever forget.

I want to teach.

Watch this video. It is a video of Taylor Mali's poem, "What Teacher's Make." It's edited, you can find the unedited version on youtube. I was trying to be somewhat censored. (:



I love this poem.

Taylor Mali is so inspiring. I've always wanted to teach, always. I have tried to deny that fact often, for whatever reason. I didn't want to do that much schooling, they don't make enough, whatever. It doesn't matter. I do want to teach. And accepting that fact is hard. It won't be the easiest future, it won't make me rich. But I think I would be happy. I think about being a part in forming the next generation, giving them hope, helping them grow, and I get so excited! I feel like I could do it, and do a good job of it.

Teaching is so sacred to me. I feel like they have such an important role in life.. Something anyone should be honored to do. I love it. Everyone has that one teacher they loved, the teacher that changed them. I want to be that teacher. I want to get emails from students long since gone that tell me how their life is going and how much I helped them. I feel like that would be so rewarding.

I want to matter in the life of others.

And I want to do that by making them feel like they matter.

I think it's a good plan. (: Don't you?

I thought I wanted the World to Know..

I thought I wanted every single person on this Earth to know. I wanted to paste it all over the internet, hang a banner from my window, put a bumper sticker on my car. I wanted to tell every person I met, whether they asked about it or not. I wanted my very soul to shine it through, for everyone to see it in my eyes. I wanted my heart on my sleeve.

But now..

Now, I couldn't be more glad I was cautious. I want to sit, in quiet reflection, and be thankful. Thankful it was slow, and sweet. Thankful I kept it close, and hidden, and safe. And that the world doesn't know. Because if the world knew, they would ask. And wonder. And pry. I don't want them to wonder. I want to smile, and dance, and laugh. I don't want a single soul to think there is a reason I shouldn't, because there isn't. Even if the world doesn't know, I really am happy. Happy I made the right decision, even if it felt like the wrong one. Happy you made the right decision, too. And I will see you, and smile, and it will be just like it was before. There is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to worry about. We will be okay.

Even if I thought, for a minute, I might love you.. We both knew it couldn't be. There were no expectations, no promises, we did nothing wrong. Everything was in order. I didn't tell a  single soul how I thought I felt, because I knew all this. Only now, when we're through, can I admit it to myself. And only a little. It was a maybe, a possibly, not a surety. How I felt no longer matters. And truly, leaving you now, could have been the best thing for both of us. I believe it was. Before we got too attatched, before we changed too much. You're still in my life, and you're still so important to me. But we made the right decision.

You'll never know what you did for me. You made me think.. About myself, about my future, about the world around me. You talked to me, forced me to have my own opinions, and to back them up. You helped me realize so much about myself. You were the best thing for me.

Now that part of our lives is over, but I will take that with me. I will keep the sense of self you unkowingly helped me find. And I will be better for it.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Not because I miss you, though I do, but because you are my friend. My wonderful, amazing friend. And I will be grateful always for the friend I've found in you.

(: xo.

 

update: i was completely full of it when i wrote this. i was not happy, but i was trying to convince myself i was/ could be. but i fixed it. i righted the wrong. and now we're happy. (: i can't believe i almost let myself lose the most amazing man i have ever met. a special thank you to lisette. she really saved us. and i am.. happy. (:

Super quick catch-up post!

I have to hurry and strikethrough:
Visit another country and
Go on a cruise AND
Go out dancing!!!
The first two were a given- I posted about the cruise. I just never threw in the official crossing-off-the-list thang. (; But you haven't yet heard about dancing!!
Batman. Baatmaaan. Met him in my country western dance class. He's a total sweetheart. (: He took me rock climbing with his friends(me! Rock climbing!), and then he played the piano for me and maaade(; me sing with him, and then he took me to cafe rio for dinner, and then we went out dancing. Weird.. Our date was less than a week ago. I feel as though it's been forever. We've seen each other outside of class twice since the date. And it was not enough! But this is about the dancing, for my list, not about that darling boy.
Dancing was amazing!! Studio 600 does country dancing Tuesday and Thursday nights. 8-9 they actually have lessons. We got there around 8:40, so we got to learn a couple new moves. The "sexy dip," and a lift. We totally got it down! We left at about 11:30. Seriously, almost THREE HOURS of dancing! Not too many breaks. And western swing takes MAJOR energy. It was rad. (: Definitely has to happen again!!

Let me sneak this in here: on facebook, there's been some major butting of heads about a talk at Mormon conference this weekend. Boyd K. Packer said some things about homosexuality that did not need to be said. I really have not minded defending it on just about every status I've commented on. It's something of a headache, but then I think.. I would almost loove to be hated for something I believe in. Why?
Because that means that I believed in something strongly enough for someone else to know, and care. And that matters. Because when that person hates you, they are going to help the people that don't hate you find you, and support you. They will make you famous. I desperately want to believe something strongly enough that it's well known, that someone considers me a threat. I want to be that inspiration for those that are afraid to voice their opinion.
-sigh- I'm a little dramatic.

Saving Starfish

My bestie Lisette told me this story, and it really hit me. So I'm gonna share it.

A man was walking along a beach covered in starfish. He stepped over and around them, paying them no mind. He soon came upon a small boy, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the water. The man stopped the small boy and asked him, "Why are you throwing the starfish back? It's pointless. You'll never save them all. This doesn't matter." The boy stooped and picked up a starfish, holding it up for the man to see. "

It matters to this one.

" He then threw the starfish into the water. The man saved one, and then another, and another. Soon others came to help. And together, they rescued starfish until the sun went down.

Isn't that just beautiful?! I love it. No matter how little you help, it matters. Any small act of kindness, any smile, any grain of compassion, can make a difference. You know, like a butterfly flapping it's wings that sets off a hurricane on the other side of the world? But the positive side!! This idea just fills me so much with hope I can hardly stand it. Just think- when you saw that lady at the store the other day, and she dropped that paper that you picked up, what did that do for her? Maybe she went home and helped her son with his homework instead of locking herself in her room and being miserable. And maybe the next day her son went to school and stood up for a kid at recess and made a new friend, instead of sitting in the library with a tutor. And maybe those kids will grow up together and one will save the others life, and he'll grow up to be super important, and that could really happen! You just don't know! And that is so beautiful. So wonderful. Soooo fantastic. Sometimes I love this crazy thing called life.
So think about it.. Try to think about the people around you. Think of what they may be going through, and smile at them. Smile, say hello, compliment their hair. Don't think it won't make a difference.
"It matters to this one."

A big part of my past.

I guess it's time for a post about Nichol.
A little backstory, just in case you need it: Nichol is my biological mother. She left when I was four. I don't remember her leaving. I've heard so many stories about it I can't honestly know for sure what happened. But she did leave. Through the years, my mom didn't want to know anything. So I didn't know anything. I didn't know where she was, who she was with, or.. Even if she was alive. At eighteen I was contacted through facebook by Michael Rodriguez, who told me a little bit about how Nichol and I had lived with him for a couple years and so on and so forth. Then he said that he had her myspace info. That was a huge shock. I went on myspace(which I hadn't been on for months), and there she was. In my inbox. Telling me happy birthday and she misses me and she loves me. I think I went crazy for a while. Life was a huge loopy rollercoaster. I cried gallons of tears, used up so many minutes and texts. I didn't know what to do. Finally I decided I should just.. Talk to her. I could always make the decision that I didn't want to anymore, but I knew in my heart I could never do that.
So I talked to her. We would message on facebook, text. Whatever. On July 14th I called her for the first time. For her birthday. After I hung up, I cried a bit. I'm not sure why I cried. I guess the whole situation is a lot more emotional for me than I admit.
She always says she's so grateful I'm giving her this chance, that I'm willing to talk to her. But seriously, I never considered not letting her into my life. There's all the questions she could answer. My past doesn't have to be a jumbled mystery anymore. I can know who I am. But..
I'm scared. Sooo scared. More than I've told anyone, I'm terrified. I know I really shouldn't be, there's no reason I can think of for this fear. But I can't shake it.
I remember, when I was a little kid, I would be laying in bed. Just laying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking she must have left because she didn't want me. I must not have been good enough for her, or else surely she would have stayed, right? Maybe she wasn't the only one I wasn't good enough for. Maybe just one more disappointment and my mommy and daddy would leave me too. Maybe I wasn't good enough for anyone and I would end up all alone in the world. You can't imagine the dark roads my mind would lead me down. I know now that it isn't true, not at all, but those thoughts were there. Can you imagine thinking that- as a child?? Thinking you were worthless? I can hardly believe that I felt that way. I am so loved I could explode. And yet I was afraid I would be alone.
I feel like I should tell her all about my past, so she can catch up on what she missed. But should I tell her things like that? Should it all be sunshine and daisies, or should she know the bad stuff, too? Do I tell her about Julia? About my problems, about my fears? Or should I just tell her about the good school dances, my favorite classes, and leave out the stuff that hurt me?
I'm not one to be spiteful.. I want to spare her from knowing how she hurt me. But is that the right thing to do? Would that be a mistake? I just don't know. I couldn't stop talking to her, but I just don't know what I can talk to her about. Are there limits to this sort of thing? She's not my mom, so does that mean she can't know everything my mommy does? I wish there was a guidebook or something. Something to let me know I'm not screwing everything up.
That ended up going a lot deeper than I was planning, but that's the story. My crazy, kooky, wacko life story. I still don't think I'd trade it for anything. It's made me who I am- and I'm pretty sure I like me. (:

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"Un"-Freedom.

How free is someone when they can't marry the one they love? How free is someone when they can't raise their own child? How free is someone when they can't have a happy, legally binding, loving family? How free is someone when they are denied what they love and want most because they are considered wicked and dangerous? How free when they are considered less than everyone else?
One of the most amazing women I have ever met is a lesbian. She was married in California(before Proposition 8), loves her wife, has 2 daughters, a stepson, and a dog. She was denied the right to see her first daughter by the courts because of some awful lies. But not entirely because of those lies. She lost her wonderful girl because of INTOLERANCE, HATE, and FEAR. She had to be sneaky to adopt her second, the state she lives in won't even acknowledge the marriage with her wife. Thank God there is no dispute about her dog- though I'm sure some would love to try. (Dry humor..)
My point isn't to make you feel sorry for her. My point is that this is WRONG. I absolutely hate that I have it easy- just because I'm heterosexual. What moron thought they were God and decided my life should be easier than hers? And why did anyone agree? She is by far a better person. She is so grateful for what she has, she is a wonderful mother, she is a fighter. And you should see her face when she looks at her wife. So why is it that I can have as many babies as I want, get married as many times as I want, and no one will tell me I can't? And more disturbing, why is it that she DOESN'T have these rights??? And she's not the only one! There are countless wonderful, amazing, beautiful people out there that are suffering because of who they are. Again, this is wrong.
I hate how easy my life is. I hate that I never have to stand up for myself. I hate that I get strawberries and cream while lgbt's get prejudice and bigotry. I don't think I would be strong enough to stand in their shoes. They are tough. They are hated. I respect them.
I understand every community has their black sheep. I don't claim to love them all- I don't know them. But I respect that they work so hard just to fit in where I find myself so easily accepted. No one can tell me this is what God wants. I can guarantee he's cried- he's crying- over the horrible things people are doing. I know I've cried, and God has much more compassion.
I know this post isn't like they usually are. This one was a bit more angry, more of a rant. But this has been building up. And it's wrong. I wish there was something I could do. -sigh-
The pain I've seen is sick. I don't understand how a person can hate someone else so passionately- someone they don't know. No one could meet the aforementioned woman without loving her instantly- she is that sunny. The rudeness she's experienced has nothing to do with who she is- it's what she is.
Tell me that doesn't make you want to puke.

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Random thought..

Okay so let's be honest here, I know nothing about politics. But it seems in the last election, all I heard was that "McCain is old, Hilary's a woman, and Obama is black." Previous elections I seem to remember hearing at least something about their views, or what people liked or disliked about what they were promising. So here's the thing..
Obama is president. Obviously. And I hear a LOT of complaining about it. But seriously, Americans voted him into power! I haven't heard one person saying good things about him. I just have to wonder if people focused so much on the diversity that they lost sight of what really mattered this time. I thought a black president would be good for America, but I didn't voice my opinion because I didn't know what he stood for. I just hope Americans didn't make a mistake trying to do the right thing. You look too hard for the forest, you're gonna get lost in the trees. I think that's a little apt, I hope it makes sense to you.
Anyway, that's what I was just thinking about. I could be full of bologna, I definitely don't know the whole picture. But that's just kinda what I'm confused about right now. That's what I get for trying to think at one in the morning. (:

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