Monday, November 22, 2010

I thought I wanted the World to Know..

I thought I wanted every single person on this Earth to know. I wanted to paste it all over the internet, hang a banner from my window, put a bumper sticker on my car. I wanted to tell every person I met, whether they asked about it or not. I wanted my very soul to shine it through, for everyone to see it in my eyes. I wanted my heart on my sleeve.

But now..

Now, I couldn't be more glad I was cautious. I want to sit, in quiet reflection, and be thankful. Thankful it was slow, and sweet. Thankful I kept it close, and hidden, and safe. And that the world doesn't know. Because if the world knew, they would ask. And wonder. And pry. I don't want them to wonder. I want to smile, and dance, and laugh. I don't want a single soul to think there is a reason I shouldn't, because there isn't. Even if the world doesn't know, I really am happy. Happy I made the right decision, even if it felt like the wrong one. Happy you made the right decision, too. And I will see you, and smile, and it will be just like it was before. There is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to worry about. We will be okay.

Even if I thought, for a minute, I might love you.. We both knew it couldn't be. There were no expectations, no promises, we did nothing wrong. Everything was in order. I didn't tell a  single soul how I thought I felt, because I knew all this. Only now, when we're through, can I admit it to myself. And only a little. It was a maybe, a possibly, not a surety. How I felt no longer matters. And truly, leaving you now, could have been the best thing for both of us. I believe it was. Before we got too attatched, before we changed too much. You're still in my life, and you're still so important to me. But we made the right decision.

You'll never know what you did for me. You made me think.. About myself, about my future, about the world around me. You talked to me, forced me to have my own opinions, and to back them up. You helped me realize so much about myself. You were the best thing for me.

Now that part of our lives is over, but I will take that with me. I will keep the sense of self you unkowingly helped me find. And I will be better for it.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Not because I miss you, though I do, but because you are my friend. My wonderful, amazing friend. And I will be grateful always for the friend I've found in you.

(: xo.


update: i was completely full of it when i wrote this. i was not happy, but i was trying to convince myself i was/ could be. but i fixed it. i righted the wrong. and now we're happy. (: i can't believe i almost let myself lose the most amazing man i have ever met. a special thank you to lisette. she really saved us. and i am.. happy. (:

1 comment:

  1. you would be an amazing teacher! the only problem is that you wouldnt be teaching me :/ (btw i deleted my blog) anyways, what grade would you teach? what subject?