Thursday, July 29, 2010


How free is someone when they can't marry the one they love? How free is someone when they can't raise their own child? How free is someone when they can't have a happy, legally binding, loving family? How free is someone when they are denied what they love and want most because they are considered wicked and dangerous? How free when they are considered less than everyone else?
One of the most amazing women I have ever met is a lesbian. She was married in California(before Proposition 8), loves her wife, has 2 daughters, a stepson, and a dog. She was denied the right to see her first daughter by the courts because of some awful lies. But not entirely because of those lies. She lost her wonderful girl because of INTOLERANCE, HATE, and FEAR. She had to be sneaky to adopt her second, the state she lives in won't even acknowledge the marriage with her wife. Thank God there is no dispute about her dog- though I'm sure some would love to try. (Dry humor..)
My point isn't to make you feel sorry for her. My point is that this is WRONG. I absolutely hate that I have it easy- just because I'm heterosexual. What moron thought they were God and decided my life should be easier than hers? And why did anyone agree? She is by far a better person. She is so grateful for what she has, she is a wonderful mother, she is a fighter. And you should see her face when she looks at her wife. So why is it that I can have as many babies as I want, get married as many times as I want, and no one will tell me I can't? And more disturbing, why is it that she DOESN'T have these rights??? And she's not the only one! There are countless wonderful, amazing, beautiful people out there that are suffering because of who they are. Again, this is wrong.
I hate how easy my life is. I hate that I never have to stand up for myself. I hate that I get strawberries and cream while lgbt's get prejudice and bigotry. I don't think I would be strong enough to stand in their shoes. They are tough. They are hated. I respect them.
I understand every community has their black sheep. I don't claim to love them all- I don't know them. But I respect that they work so hard just to fit in where I find myself so easily accepted. No one can tell me this is what God wants. I can guarantee he's cried- he's crying- over the horrible things people are doing. I know I've cried, and God has much more compassion.
I know this post isn't like they usually are. This one was a bit more angry, more of a rant. But this has been building up. And it's wrong. I wish there was something I could do. -sigh-
The pain I've seen is sick. I don't understand how a person can hate someone else so passionately- someone they don't know. No one could meet the aforementioned woman without loving her instantly- she is that sunny. The rudeness she's experienced has nothing to do with who she is- it's what she is.
Tell me that doesn't make you want to puke.

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Monday, July 26, 2010

Happy birthday Jewel!!

Geezum Jewel, can you believe we're 19? I remember us talking about how when we turned 18 we would move out and find an apartment. I guess life kinda gets in the way sometimes, huh?
What are you doing to celebrate your birthday? I'm sorry I can't visit today. You know how it is.. Chores, work.. But I'll come see you soon, promise.
Since the beginning of July I've thought about how this day was coming. It hits me harder that it's your nineteenth birthday than it hit me that it was mine! Seems like only yesterday we were just turning 17, going to lagoon, sitting on your front porch, giggling-talking-laughing-crying. I knew all your secrets. You knew all of mine. Crazy how time changes things.
Today is so bittersweet. I love thinking about you and feeling you in my life. But I wish I could tell you happy birthday in person. I wish I could sing to you, give you a present, watch you blow out candles, maybe shove some cake in your face or surprise you with all your friends. I wish I could have called you at midnight and woken you up, embarrassed you in front of everyone we came in contact with, taken you out to lunch. I'm going to tell myself that you can read this- and I hope to God you know how much I love and miss you. I'm pretty sure He'll be sympathetic on this account. Everyone deserves a happy birthday from the people they love.
One day, I'll see you honey. One day you'll give me a hug, and we'll catch up on old times. We'll giggle-talk-laugh-cry and everything will be like it was. But it's not time yet. I'll have to make do with whispering to you at night, writing to you on my blog, praying to you when things get unbearable. And hoping/praying/knowing you get every word.

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hmmm Happy? (:

"When the sun shines, I bask in it. When the rain falls, I dance in it. When the moon glows, I think in it. When a person smiles, I imitate it. What room is there for misery??" I wrote this quote today, and I think I kinda love it. Sometimes I give myself some pretty good advice. (:
I'm uber exhausted. Worked all day yesterday, then babysat last night. Barely made it through work today. But then I came home, took a bath, relaxed a bit. And I was reminded once again that life is wonderful, the world is beautiful. (:
I just think it's a good idea to be happy. I dare you to argue with me. (;

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

(who i want to be..)

I think I know who I wanna be. But I'm not that person, so I'm not gonna think about it. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to be who I want. I don't think I'll have a choice when it comes down to it. I know that who I want to be is great, but I'm not ready to think of myself as that person. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be her.. That girl I can see.. And I don't want to be let down. I don't want to pretend at all. I don't want to not be sure about who I am, to feel like it's not something I can be. When I'm ready to be who I am, it will be a wonderful transformation. Because who I want to be is a wonderful person. She's not afraid to stand up for what she believes. She's open and decisive..
I said I wasn't gonna think about it. I'm a liar face. :P But I didn't mean it, promise! One day I'll get there.. But not today. Today I'm still 19. Probably more naive than I think. Flighty, opinionated, and often wrong. I'm not ready. But I know I will be. And hopefully, that's enough.

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Monday, July 19, 2010

Random thought..

Okay so let's be honest here, I know nothing about politics. But it seems in the last election, all I heard was that "McCain is old, Hilary's a woman, and Obama is black." Previous elections I seem to remember hearing at least something about their views, or what people liked or disliked about what they were promising. So here's the thing..
Obama is president. Obviously. And I hear a LOT of complaining about it. But seriously, Americans voted him into power! I haven't heard one person saying good things about him. I just have to wonder if people focused so much on the diversity that they lost sight of what really mattered this time. I thought a black president would be good for America, but I didn't voice my opinion because I didn't know what he stood for. I just hope Americans didn't make a mistake trying to do the right thing. You look too hard for the forest, you're gonna get lost in the trees. I think that's a little apt, I hope it makes sense to you.
Anyway, that's what I was just thinking about. I could be full of bologna, I definitely don't know the whole picture. But that's just kinda what I'm confused about right now. That's what I get for trying to think at one in the morning. (:
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Saturday, July 3, 2010

4th of July.. Or not..

Can I just say.. I am very upset that the 4th is being celebrated on the 3rd this year. I understand that it's a Sunday, but in my opinion, that is just an excuse. God will forgive us for celebrating our independence on Sunday. We came to this country partially to be free of religious persecution. No one wants a religion forced upon them. It just seems a little backwards to me that here in our state that is exactly what's going on. All the celebrating happening on the third simply means to me that we really don't control our own lives as much as we seem to think. In my opinion, holidays shouldn't be moved around just because of the day it's on- except the ones that are supposed to. I'd be willing to bet that they celebrated the fourth on the fourth every single year- Sunday or not- in the years following the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
So what's happening here? Am I the only one who feels this doesn't make sense? Or is this a small change that's going to grow and grow?..

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