I know more Spanish than I thought.

Isn't life just amazing?! Every.single.day is a gift to be treasured. Here's the thing...
When you receive a gift (and I'm talking a real doozy of a present), do you just toss the thing aside with a shrug, wrinkle it up, step on it, use it as a drink coaster, forget about it? No way! You take care of that gift, you use it well, you appreciate it. Right?
Right?
Basically, I've kind of been stepping on my daily prize. I wake up and I pray and thank my Father for the breath he put in my lungs this morning, and then I kind of forget that gratitude that filled me to bursting upon opening my eyes. I forget that my day is still a gift 2, 6, 10 hours in- not just the moment I become conscious of it. But really, it is! It's still a present right now, even as I write this, over 12 hours later. Isn't that crazy?!
The plan, I suppose, is to start showing my gratitude. When your great aunt Millie buys you a sweater, and she sees you wearing it, how excited is she?! Beyond just saying thank you, maybe sending a note, she knows you appreciate that gift for what it is, not just to be polite. You are not just telling her how you feel, you're showing her! And we all love to see that joy in another person.
So why wouldn't we show the same appreciation for the bright new day that's being handed to us so selflessly??? Are we waking up thinking about how we can make today great, or are we hitting the snooze button and grumbling unintelligibly until we must get up? (Don't you worry-- I'm definitely in the latter group. \:)
And now here I am, writing about it. Listening to Pandora (Grace Kelly radio. Do it-- you won't regret it!) and feeling halfway motivated. Why not make the best of every day?? I can do it, and so can you, and even if you have to get up at 5 AM it will be okay! Because your day is a gift, made special for you, wrapped up and polished until you open it when you open your eyes.
And honestly, everybody loves presents. (:

Makeup Lockup

Makeup Lockup

Makeup Throwout

This is my makeup. I put it in the box, locked it, and taped a note over the front. I don't need this- and neither do you. You are beautiful all on your own. You don't need powders, creams, and brushes to turn heads. I allowed myself mascara and eyeliner for special occasions, but every other single "makeup" item I have is either in the trash, or in this box. And I'm keeping it out, so I can see it every day, and remember why it's there. We don't need makeup. I am more than the prettiest face I can muster. I have thoughts, ideas, hopes, fears- and I don't need to be pretty for any of that. I'm not here to impress you with my perfectly tinted cheekbones, I'd rather catch you with my smile. I don't greet you with my delightfully colored eyelids, I want to captivate you with my eyes. I don't need the perfect tan when I've got a hearty laugh on my side. Do my insights matter when you're busy checking my eyeliner for flaws? Are my teeth white enough for your liking, my tan lines subtle enough that you won't notice? Well, I'm sick of caring. Who I am can't shine through layers of foundation, bronzer, coverup, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blush, lipgloss... All anyone should need is the chapstick in their pocket and the love in their hearts.

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." -Kahlil Gibran

What I need from you, my friends, is support and love. I can be very self conscious without makeup, and I don't expect this will be easy. I could use all the love I can get.
Xoxo!!

I thought I wanted the World to Know..

I thought I wanted every single person on this Earth to know. I wanted to paste it all over the internet, hang a banner from my window, put a bumper sticker on my car. I wanted to tell every person I met, whether they asked about it or not. I wanted my very soul to shine it through, for everyone to see it in my eyes. I wanted my heart on my sleeve.

But now..

Now, I couldn't be more glad I was cautious. I want to sit, in quiet reflection, and be thankful. Thankful it was slow, and sweet. Thankful I kept it close, and hidden, and safe. And that the world doesn't know. Because if the world knew, they would ask. And wonder. And pry. I don't want them to wonder. I want to smile, and dance, and laugh. I don't want a single soul to think there is a reason I shouldn't, because there isn't. Even if the world doesn't know, I really am happy. Happy I made the right decision, even if it felt like the wrong one. Happy you made the right decision, too. And I will see you, and smile, and it will be just like it was before. There is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to worry about. We will be okay.

Even if I thought, for a minute, I might love you.. We both knew it couldn't be. There were no expectations, no promises, we did nothing wrong. Everything was in order. I didn't tell a  single soul how I thought I felt, because I knew all this. Only now, when we're through, can I admit it to myself. And only a little. It was a maybe, a possibly, not a surety. How I felt no longer matters. And truly, leaving you now, could have been the best thing for both of us. I believe it was. Before we got too attatched, before we changed too much. You're still in my life, and you're still so important to me. But we made the right decision.

You'll never know what you did for me. You made me think.. About myself, about my future, about the world around me. You talked to me, forced me to have my own opinions, and to back them up. You helped me realize so much about myself. You were the best thing for me.

Now that part of our lives is over, but I will take that with me. I will keep the sense of self you unkowingly helped me find. And I will be better for it.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Not because I miss you, though I do, but because you are my friend. My wonderful, amazing friend. And I will be grateful always for the friend I've found in you.

(: xo.

 

update: i was completely full of it when i wrote this. i was not happy, but i was trying to convince myself i was/ could be. but i fixed it. i righted the wrong. and now we're happy. (: i can't believe i almost let myself lose the most amazing man i have ever met. a special thank you to lisette. she really saved us. and i am.. happy. (:

"Love Deserves Respect."

It sooo does.
2010 Allies Dinner was beautiful. I teared up, many times. I laughed, I gasped, I ate. I met wonderful, beautiful people I have been waiting and waiting and hoping and hoping to meet. I had so much fun! The people there really truly care about what they're doing. There were no stuck up snobs looking down at me- unless of course I didn't see them. 1,560 people, there's no way I met every one.
And seriously, 1,560!!! That is so beyond fantastic! This dinner is just getting bigger! And it will continue to grow, until even the Grand Ballroom at the Salt Palace can't contain us. I have some serious faith in these people.
For those of you who don't know: The Allies Dinner was organized by a group called Equality Utah. They do sooo much, but a big part is gaining rights for the LGBT community in Utah. And they're doing it! And they will continue to do it!! And I'm SO EXCITED to be part of it!!!
I loved every moment of last night. It was so inspirational, so motivational, so damn right that there's no way it could have not touched my heart and soul! If you support this cause(and you should!) then go next year! Save up now, plan ahead, get ready, 'cause here they come!
I would like to tell you for just a second about the people in this beautiful organization. They work, around the clock, to help other people. They are doing their best to make sure there isn't another sad story, there isn't another reason to cry, there is no more misery. They want that day in the future, where this fight is so far in the past that no one remembers what it was about, to be tomorrow! Today! Yesterday! And so do I!!
My favorite might have been Dustin Lance Black. He was stunning. When he bore his testimony, of what he knew to be true, right, and good, I thought I might lose it. He used to be Mormon. And he accepted himself. And he's so wonderful. Hearing him talk.. You could tell he was made to be in front of people. (Seen Milk? Look it up.) He was so compelling, so earnest. He really believes in this work. It's awesome(in the awe sense) to see that sort of passion. Passion is what these people live on. Seeing that passion light up those faces.. True love. I was astonished at what I saw and heard last night. I have been changed, possibly forever. Hopefully forever. I already can't wait for next year.
Thank you, EU. All you wonderful people who set that up, I'm sure you knew what you were doing. And I commend you for it.
Xo.

Too busy to blog?

Never!
Life has gotten pretty topsy-turvy on me lately- but in a very, very good way. I find myself with less and less time for reflection, with more and more to reflect upon! It seems a little backwards, but honestly, I'm loving it. I love love love this day, this moment, right here. I've got a car! (For those of you that know me, this is huge.) I can't believe how much easier life got the moment that car was registered, drivable, mine. I don't have to find a way to work anymore, I can drive my friends around, I don't have to borrow from my mom! The independence that came with my car is unbelievable. It's so refreshing to feel like I'm my own person. Things finally seem to be going in the right direction, and it's positively wonderful. I feel strong, confident, sure of myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I always say attitude is everything, but I don't think I was taking my own advice. And I should have been! The more I think about the good things in my life, the better I feel. Sure, life's not perfect, but who cares?! It's not supposed to be!!! And again, I love it. Lovelovelove it. Carpe diem, carpe noctem. Sieze the day, sieze the night. I'm siezin like crazy, baby. (; It's hard to believe my entire outlook on life has turned around in such a short time. I thank God every single day for what he's given me.
Me and my light up backpack, walkin through the parking lot, loving the sunshine and smell of fresh cut grass. That's my moment. Lisette next to me, school behind me, and a beautiful, unknowable future ahead of me. What could be better than that? (Except sharing it with all of you, of course!)
Carpe diem, carpe noctem.
Xoxoxo.

Saving Starfish

My bestie Lisette told me this story, and it really hit me. So I'm gonna share it.

A man was walking along a beach covered in starfish. He stepped over and around them, paying them no mind. He soon came upon a small boy, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the water. The man stopped the small boy and asked him, "Why are you throwing the starfish back? It's pointless. You'll never save them all. This doesn't matter." The boy stooped and picked up a starfish, holding it up for the man to see. "

It matters to this one.

" He then threw the starfish into the water. The man saved one, and then another, and another. Soon others came to help. And together, they rescued starfish until the sun went down.

Isn't that just beautiful?! I love it. No matter how little you help, it matters. Any small act of kindness, any smile, any grain of compassion, can make a difference. You know, like a butterfly flapping it's wings that sets off a hurricane on the other side of the world? But the positive side!! This idea just fills me so much with hope I can hardly stand it. Just think- when you saw that lady at the store the other day, and she dropped that paper that you picked up, what did that do for her? Maybe she went home and helped her son with his homework instead of locking herself in her room and being miserable. And maybe the next day her son went to school and stood up for a kid at recess and made a new friend, instead of sitting in the library with a tutor. And maybe those kids will grow up together and one will save the others life, and he'll grow up to be super important, and that could really happen! You just don't know! And that is so beautiful. So wonderful. Soooo fantastic. Sometimes I love this crazy thing called life.
So think about it.. Try to think about the people around you. Think of what they may be going through, and smile at them. Smile, say hello, compliment their hair. Don't think it won't make a difference.
"It matters to this one."

Gay rights fight is global! :D

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/19/same.sex.marriage.global.fight/
".. There really are not nonreligion-based reasons to exclude same-sex couples from marriage."
I teared up a bit when I read that. This is such a hopeful article.. Makes me think maybe I don't mind this time and place so much. (:

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