Monday, August 30, 2010

Saving Starfish

My bestie Lisette told me this story, and it really hit me. So I'm gonna share it.

A man was walking along a beach covered in starfish. He stepped over and around them, paying them no mind. He soon came upon a small boy, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the water. The man stopped the small boy and asked him, "Why are you throwing the starfish back? It's pointless. You'll never save them all. This doesn't matter." The boy stooped and picked up a starfish, holding it up for the man to see. "

It matters to this one.

" He then threw the starfish into the water. The man saved one, and then another, and another. Soon others came to help. And together, they rescued starfish until the sun went down.

Isn't that just beautiful?! I love it. No matter how little you help, it matters. Any small act of kindness, any smile, any grain of compassion, can make a difference. You know, like a butterfly flapping it's wings that sets off a hurricane on the other side of the world? But the positive side!! This idea just fills me so much with hope I can hardly stand it. Just think- when you saw that lady at the store the other day, and she dropped that paper that you picked up, what did that do for her? Maybe she went home and helped her son with his homework instead of locking herself in her room and being miserable. And maybe the next day her son went to school and stood up for a kid at recess and made a new friend, instead of sitting in the library with a tutor. And maybe those kids will grow up together and one will save the others life, and he'll grow up to be super important, and that could really happen! You just don't know! And that is so beautiful. So wonderful. Soooo fantastic. Sometimes I love this crazy thing called life.
So think about it.. Try to think about the people around you. Think of what they may be going through, and smile at them. Smile, say hello, compliment their hair. Don't think it won't make a difference.
"It matters to this one."

Friday, August 27, 2010

Let's talk about.. College!!

So I've just finished my first week of college- if three days can be considered a week. It started on Wednesday. I have to say.. I absolutely love it. I love the thrill of seeing cute guys, meeting new people, figuring out my schedule. I love having a reason to get all dolled up for a day. I even love getting up at five in the morning.. Well, maybe I don't love that. But I do love why I get up so early. It's fantastic.
There were a few kinks in my schedule, and I'm not too happy with the way some of them turned out. I am content, however, because guess what? I can go next semester! O:= And next semester I will definitely register earlier so I can be sure to get all the classes and times I want. For now, I've got some pretty good stuff going on. (: Yoga, social dance, guitar.. And some crazy stuff I never thought I would take- finance, analysis of argument.. Weird. But I think I like it.
My financial aid still hasn't gone through.. Which could possibly pose a problem in the future. (Ha, possibly pose a problem. I think that sounds funny.) But I'm not too worried about it. I've got myself convinced it will go through just fine, and that conviction is not without reason. So for now I'm just playing the waiting game. I think for being such an impatient person, that's a game I play remarkably well. :P
I'm so excited to be going to college. I feel like this is the door to doing something worthwhile with my life- although I still have no idea what it is, I'm sure this can help me get there. I don't know if they will be upset with me mentioning this(love you mom and dad) but neither of my parents finished college. My dad dropped out and my mom never even started. I have hope that if I can just get to my associates, just two years, I will never be stuck where they are now- dead end jobs, dickhead bosses, and unable to give their family what it wants. I love my parents with all I am and it breaks my heart to see them here. I don't want my children to feel the same.
Not to say I intend to stop with an associates. I'm sure I will go above and beyond! But that is a milestone I will celebrate.
College has never really been an option for me. I always knew I would go- I just didn't know where or when. To be honest, I wasn't going to go this semester. I'm glad my friends convinced me to. It's a decision I wouldn't take back for the world.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really ready for college. I have no money, no plan, no set-in-stone future. I'm extremely childish(in a good way, I think), and I've no idea if I'm ready for this. But I like to think I am. I like to believe that this is where I'm meant to be, right here, right now. That I'm going the right direction, and the rest will come with time. I believe that with all my heart.
So that's all I have for now. I'm sure there will be more about college as the year progresses. But for now, all I have to say is "Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connait point." Adieu. (:

Friday, August 20, 2010

Gay rights fight is global! :D
".. There really are not nonreligion-based reasons to exclude same-sex couples from marriage."
I teared up a bit when I read that. This is such a hopeful article.. Makes me think maybe I don't mind this time and place so much. (:
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Monday, August 2, 2010

A big part of my past.

I guess it's time for a post about Nichol.
A little backstory, just in case you need it: Nichol is my biological mother. She left when I was four. I don't remember her leaving. I've heard so many stories about it I can't honestly know for sure what happened. But she did leave. Through the years, my mom didn't want to know anything. So I didn't know anything. I didn't know where she was, who she was with, or.. Even if she was alive. At eighteen I was contacted through facebook by Michael Rodriguez, who told me a little bit about how Nichol and I had lived with him for a couple years and so on and so forth. Then he said that he had her myspace info. That was a huge shock. I went on myspace(which I hadn't been on for months), and there she was. In my inbox. Telling me happy birthday and she misses me and she loves me. I think I went crazy for a while. Life was a huge loopy rollercoaster. I cried gallons of tears, used up so many minutes and texts. I didn't know what to do. Finally I decided I should just.. Talk to her. I could always make the decision that I didn't want to anymore, but I knew in my heart I could never do that.
So I talked to her. We would message on facebook, text. Whatever. On July 14th I called her for the first time. For her birthday. After I hung up, I cried a bit. I'm not sure why I cried. I guess the whole situation is a lot more emotional for me than I admit.
She always says she's so grateful I'm giving her this chance, that I'm willing to talk to her. But seriously, I never considered not letting her into my life. There's all the questions she could answer. My past doesn't have to be a jumbled mystery anymore. I can know who I am. But..
I'm scared. Sooo scared. More than I've told anyone, I'm terrified. I know I really shouldn't be, there's no reason I can think of for this fear. But I can't shake it.
I remember, when I was a little kid, I would be laying in bed. Just laying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking she must have left because she didn't want me. I must not have been good enough for her, or else surely she would have stayed, right? Maybe she wasn't the only one I wasn't good enough for. Maybe just one more disappointment and my mommy and daddy would leave me too. Maybe I wasn't good enough for anyone and I would end up all alone in the world. You can't imagine the dark roads my mind would lead me down. I know now that it isn't true, not at all, but those thoughts were there. Can you imagine thinking that- as a child?? Thinking you were worthless? I can hardly believe that I felt that way. I am so loved I could explode. And yet I was afraid I would be alone.
I feel like I should tell her all about my past, so she can catch up on what she missed. But should I tell her things like that? Should it all be sunshine and daisies, or should she know the bad stuff, too? Do I tell her about Julia? About my problems, about my fears? Or should I just tell her about the good school dances, my favorite classes, and leave out the stuff that hurt me?
I'm not one to be spiteful.. I want to spare her from knowing how she hurt me. But is that the right thing to do? Would that be a mistake? I just don't know. I couldn't stop talking to her, but I just don't know what I can talk to her about. Are there limits to this sort of thing? She's not my mom, so does that mean she can't know everything my mommy does? I wish there was a guidebook or something. Something to let me know I'm not screwing everything up.
That ended up going a lot deeper than I was planning, but that's the story. My crazy, kooky, wacko life story. I still don't think I'd trade it for anything. It's made me who I am- and I'm pretty sure I like me. (:

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