Monday, August 2, 2010

A big part of my past.

I guess it's time for a post about Nichol.
A little backstory, just in case you need it: Nichol is my biological mother. She left when I was four. I don't remember her leaving. I've heard so many stories about it I can't honestly know for sure what happened. But she did leave. Through the years, my mom didn't want to know anything. So I didn't know anything. I didn't know where she was, who she was with, or.. Even if she was alive. At eighteen I was contacted through facebook by Michael Rodriguez, who told me a little bit about how Nichol and I had lived with him for a couple years and so on and so forth. Then he said that he had her myspace info. That was a huge shock. I went on myspace(which I hadn't been on for months), and there she was. In my inbox. Telling me happy birthday and she misses me and she loves me. I think I went crazy for a while. Life was a huge loopy rollercoaster. I cried gallons of tears, used up so many minutes and texts. I didn't know what to do. Finally I decided I should just.. Talk to her. I could always make the decision that I didn't want to anymore, but I knew in my heart I could never do that.
So I talked to her. We would message on facebook, text. Whatever. On July 14th I called her for the first time. For her birthday. After I hung up, I cried a bit. I'm not sure why I cried. I guess the whole situation is a lot more emotional for me than I admit.
She always says she's so grateful I'm giving her this chance, that I'm willing to talk to her. But seriously, I never considered not letting her into my life. There's all the questions she could answer. My past doesn't have to be a jumbled mystery anymore. I can know who I am. But..
I'm scared. Sooo scared. More than I've told anyone, I'm terrified. I know I really shouldn't be, there's no reason I can think of for this fear. But I can't shake it.
I remember, when I was a little kid, I would be laying in bed. Just laying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking she must have left because she didn't want me. I must not have been good enough for her, or else surely she would have stayed, right? Maybe she wasn't the only one I wasn't good enough for. Maybe just one more disappointment and my mommy and daddy would leave me too. Maybe I wasn't good enough for anyone and I would end up all alone in the world. You can't imagine the dark roads my mind would lead me down. I know now that it isn't true, not at all, but those thoughts were there. Can you imagine thinking that- as a child?? Thinking you were worthless? I can hardly believe that I felt that way. I am so loved I could explode. And yet I was afraid I would be alone.
I feel like I should tell her all about my past, so she can catch up on what she missed. But should I tell her things like that? Should it all be sunshine and daisies, or should she know the bad stuff, too? Do I tell her about Julia? About my problems, about my fears? Or should I just tell her about the good school dances, my favorite classes, and leave out the stuff that hurt me?
I'm not one to be spiteful.. I want to spare her from knowing how she hurt me. But is that the right thing to do? Would that be a mistake? I just don't know. I couldn't stop talking to her, but I just don't know what I can talk to her about. Are there limits to this sort of thing? She's not my mom, so does that mean she can't know everything my mommy does? I wish there was a guidebook or something. Something to let me know I'm not screwing everything up.
That ended up going a lot deeper than I was planning, but that's the story. My crazy, kooky, wacko life story. I still don't think I'd trade it for anything. It's made me who I am- and I'm pretty sure I like me. (:

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  1. It's all up to you, baby girl. You are the master of your life. Talk until you're finished - whenever that is. I have always been worried about what this would do to you but not nearly as worried as I was about you thinking you weren't worthy of her.
    I'm right here if you need me. Love you.

  2. Wow, Merci I had no idea. I love you babe. Tell her. I think you should. If you want to build a good relationship with the woman than go ahead tell her. It will make you feel better, and her understand you a little bit more. Of course that is just my opinion and you should do what ever you feel is right, it is not my place but that is what I think I would do. Why not tell her about Julia? She was a big part of your life right? You don't have to tell her all the details or your feelings but it would be something I would want to know if I was in her position. Love you babe, please know I am here for you just as you were there for me when Julia died.